Freedom... Do I really want it???

Jesus,

We all want to be free! We all want to know why we were put here on this piece of earth, at THIS time, in this place, in this family, in this corner of Your universe.

Try as we might to decipher it all, we just sadly realize, we weren't given all the pieces of the puzzle!

Try as we might, we are horrified to realize...we really don't KNOW ourselves, not really!

How can I be "my own person", "unique and gifted", "nobody like me", when I haven't fully known this person called 'me'.

How can I "branch out", "stretch forth", "spread wings", "step out", "fly!"- when I don't know who I really am?

Fears and insecurities, words said at wrong times, wrong words said at most times, have crippled us into not even seeking for the essence of who we truly are. How 'valuable' can we be if we've been put down too much, criticized, analyzed, ridiculed, made the fool, been blocked and framed and cinched and maimed...
and there's hardly any 'me' left?

WHEN does this 'me' become the beautiful butterfly finally, breaking off and breaking skies, far away from limitations, and rules, and weights and anchors- within and without?

When do we begin to feel 'weightless' and 'carefree' and so 'light' we can feel the sky?

When do we fill our lungs with breaths of freedom that really fill to the very edges of our being?

When do our feet lose grasp of this little spot on Earth, and chains come off and gravity relinquish its hold on us?

When do we FEEL free?
When do we BECOME free?
When do we know, FULLY KNOW, what being FREE really is?

Is is a state of mind?
A state of soul?

Is it within, or without; inside or out?

Is it just for us to see, feel and breathe in it? Or, can others also know, and see it too?

Is it a state of total body wellness, mind and body coming together as freinds, a mysterious union and acceptance of each other, allowing each to grow and flow, and glow and, and, and... and what?

What else is it?

WHAT do you DO when you are a totally FREE being?
Or... DO you DO... at all???

Is it, perhaps, a state of NOT DOING?
Could it possibly be, instead, a state of intense enjoyment in just... BEING???
A state wherein we are able to say, as He said, " I AM"... and nothing more is needed?
"As He is, so are we" ... are we???
No more conditions.
No more restrictions.
No more ands, ifs, or buts.
No more guilt and heaviness and wetter than wet wings.
Could we possibly believe what He said about us was REALLY TRUE, and we cease to question it ever again?

No more weights on my feet
or lead on my heart?
No more dark cloud in my mind
and deep aches in my soul?
No more... anything???

DID HE REALLY MEAN THAT? About me? US?

Then, What does FREEDOM feel like?
What is it... really?

What does it look like?
What does it feel like?
What does it make me feel?
What does it smell like; taste like?

Will I know IT is there?

How does IT let ITSELF be 'taken' into me?
DO I take it by force?
Or, do I enter INTO IT?
If so, what is the magical doorway?
 Will I easily miss it?

Will I see It, want It, run to It?
Is IT'S only 'requirement' (for lack of a better word)
my 'wanting It" so badly?
Or, is there MORE I need to DO?
Is DOING involved at all?
Is it given to me upon request?
Must I know IT to have IT? First?

Questions, questions, questions...
... it does not make my heart feel settled and light...
or, could this possibly be the first step toward IT?

Is there a 'cost' to pay?
Or is it free?
Or does it cost ALL I have?

How FREE is BEING FREE???

First Blog ever!! Does it even get spelled with a Capital "B"? Not sure, BUT, because it's pretty special... I will give myself the freedom alloted writers and poets, or is it just poets??

Time to get ready for work, but I really want to start this today, tell about my walking experience this morning. We'll start simple, not working the mind too much or much less the pondering button in my head.

Took a lot of work to get me out the house this morning! Haven't walked in almost two weeks... if you don't count the hiking done in North Carolina, or all the walking done at work, up and down the hallway in CVICU. Had to talk to myself as if I really was two people - the lazy one inside, who just knew it was too hot to walk already, being it was 82 degrees at 8 am, and the motivated, outwardly one who had just stepped on scale and discovered the extra pound and a half already, and could tally up all the forbidden foods she had eaten over this memorable long weekend. The explosion on the scale was soon to come!

Getting dressed real fast made the inside one get quiet, stepping out the door armed with the GPS for mileage and time, disarmed her entirely. Ahh... it was good to walk again!

Took the back way, as I call it, and when I arrived at the supermarket, headed down the newly "discovered" extra 3.2 mile street alongside it. Tried to keep the 4 mile/hr pace, tried to stay focused praying for my family, kept wandering inside to the past weekend, back to prayer, back to feeling happy and grateful, back to praying, while trying to focus on my surroundings as well.

A Utility truck at the very end of Williamsburg Road made me uneasy to walk past it just to touch the fence Curt and I touch as we turn right around and head home as fast as we can.  The forest runs alongside of it, where we saw, or rather Curt saw, the deer coming out of the forest first time we walked this road.

No big deal, I thought, I'll just take a left down this block and see if it loops back to the main road, if not, I'll turn it right around and add some mileage to my first walk back.

 Walking, I thought of the "detour" taken and wondered of the ones He places before us to cause us to walk on the right path. I wondered if I would be made aware of why the detour, or, if as most of my detours, I just have to KNOW it was the road to take but don't end up really knowing "why". As I  stirred this thought around and around in my head, my mouth flew open when I saw two Sandhill Cranes ( they usually come in twos, you know, lifetime partners!) standing so pretty and proud in the yard to my left! They saw me and I kept the pace and wondered if I would cause them to fly out, run, be scared... but I began to talk softly to them and lo and behold, they stood tall and proud, eyed me all the way, and stood their ground... then I wondered if they were known to attack... silly me, they look too proper and regal for that kind of behavior. As I marvelled that I now knew why the "detour", a turkey stood just a few feet away, in the same yard, also eyeing me sideways, but right alongside the house was his "partner" and then another one! Five big birds standing as ornaments in this lady's front yard! I exhaled one big long " You are amaaaaaaazing!!!" as I passed them, and quickly anticipated another surprise... greedy that I am! Got to the end of the street and turned left, onto Scenic Drive... SURELY I would find a lake, maybe a swan or an alligator, something truly scenic! Another story!

Nothing.. can't even remember a single detail of any of the houses passed... I chuckled at the name of the street and how deceiving I found it. By this time another mile had been tagged onto my original intended distance. Street ahead had diamond shaped DEAD END sign before I even got to it... and wasted my precious time on it. Quick turn to the left revealed another such sign and road... and I marveled at how easy it was to follow the right path with all the clear cut signs along the way. Then the ponderings started... and I wondered if God also made it so clear to me as I walked through life, or did I ignore the signs, not see them, or was intended to walk all the way for whatever reason or lesson... Was His Word a light onto my path, even as I walked the dead end streets? Yes, He never leaves me, was my next thought. But the satisfaction of knowing I was on the right path made my life seem so simple, so easy, uncomplicated... was this the way life was meant to be as long as I was on the right path?

I marvelled at the strength of the frail, more than slightly bent old lady walking her small brownie dog. Upon spotting me, Brownie  jerked around and pulled so hard at his leash I pictured me rescuing her off the sidewalk while being nipped by her dog! I noticed the leash wrapped several times around her wrist then, and she had been able to stand as straight as she could,as she smiled and saaid, " He's just saying 'Good Morning to you!'" I said good morning back and laughed.

There were the two older ladies chatting with their little dogs at their sides, and when the Chihuahua saw me, he started to spin like a top, or a maddened ballerina, round and round he went, so many times, I just had to laugh out loud... the look on the other lady's face was precious as she wondered what had made that dog so crazy. Had to be there!

Close to home and with five miles already under my belt and the heat intensified, I was tempted to cut through the Baptist church parking lot, but I wondered if there was also a lesson in keeping to the "straight and narrow", no deviations, no shortcuts, I might miss something... so I looked closely, all around me, then wondered if the lesson was simply that, to be disciplined and thorough, to complete the task... and I giggled at my wanting to see instant reward for "good behavior".

Nearer still, passed the Guest House now, I looked up and it was then that I noticed the many squiggly swirly wispy curvy clouds, all across the sky, as when a plane writer writes JESUS LOVES YOU in the sky, which seems to happen quite often around here. There was no plane in sight, and the "words" seem too scattered apart, as if he had written it all across the sky, from one end to the other, and the barely visible breezes had spread the words and streeeetched them... but I saw it... JESUS LOVES ME...written just for me, and seen by my heart's eyes. Wow!! I saw it! My eyes had been open!

What a beautiful way to start walking, and seeing, and feeling!!! Not bad for a Monday Morning!