WHEW! HOW DO YOU SPELL FREEDOM?

Those that know me know that I can pretty wordy!! Today, I wish to be brief, to the point, so

UNLIKE TONI!

Woke up with a deep sense of needing to do something... make a decision, face the facts, OBEY!

Today I decided to renew my vows, draw closer, restore my first love...

Things had gotten in the way, distractions some may call it... addictions, others may define it.

For the first time I can identify with the mental battle and deceit that goes on in our heads when we justify, rationalize our "extreme pleasure" with something or someone... also called "addictions" by most. Today, there were no more games played. It was straightforward and quite simple. IG had to go... at least for now, a long while, for a season. For those that don't know, IG stands for Instagram... a site where we post pictures and follow others who post pictures from around the world... sounds simple, sounds innocent enough,,, and therein  was the problem.

Months of telling myself I was learning photography, growing in my skills,  admiring Art, appreciating beauty and the Creator of it all, only led to a colder heart, distracted mind and priorities flown to the wayside.

Want to brag on our Lord and His patience, GENTLENESS and Faithfulness.

During the reading of the first chapter of Ephesians from The Messaage HE GOT TO ME...  and it was rather easy to admit that IG had to go... just "not sure" when. I wrote my goodbye note and asked Him to show me when the time was right...
Like a diver posed on the edge of the diving board ( which I haven't done but have been on the edge of a bridge to dive into a lake on a dare !) I felt this was no time to think but to DIVE IN!! The button was pushed and the post was sent and the hole was felt but the pain was not there as I expected... a strange feeling came on me...  like a person that's been shot but,  still stunned, feels no pain. This confirmed to me the hold it had on me...and I realized I had been liberated in a rather painless way! This would have been MORE THAN ENOUGH for me... such GRACE! SUCH LOVE!
But no... our extravagant, LAVISHING GOD, had much more in mind... He gave me a fellow IGER  to go through the process... and experience the elation of liberation! We both felt exhausted, washed over, danced and celebrated upon by Papa God.. we felt like two little girls that had finally decided to be obedient, and the rewards washed over them fast and strong!

"Leaving a Legacy" ... the talk I had with Christopher and Ellen on passing the baton of faith, leaving lessons and stories behind to share with the future generations, got me thinking... What will I be remembered for? How will I leave a mark on this earth? Will I? More importantly, was my life used to glorify Him and bring others to His saving grace? Heavy thinking... needed thinking... and He captured my thoughts and heart... again.

Wordy, you say? Nah!! There was so much more to this morning... words would do it no justice...

Suffice it to say... HE IS FOREVER FAITHFUL!!!

Birthday Thrills and ADD Flareups!

Would you believe me if I told you I've been stuck in CHRISTMAS?????? A WONDERFUL place to be by the way!!! MAGICAL, PLAYFUL and a place with no housework and just fun and games, food and laughter, friends and family... well... you get the picture!!!

... This last birthday has been nothing short of AMAZING!!!! I still have boxes and cards and my toys all over the place, going from one to another, not wanting to put any away yet... wanting less hours at work so I can stay home and play and get to know how these fancy contraptions work!!!

I never thought the iphone could do so much!! Nor did I think the photo apps would keep my creativity flared up and ready to go, seeing pictures everywhere I go...everything in a frame, with potential to enhance, transform, create the mood I want it to evoke, and then I get to bug people by sending them to them! Bear with me... they say the fever subsides at around 6 months...haha!!

 

Just last night, I finally put down the iphone to investigate the Kindle and I already have a book downloaded, waiting for me!! FASCINATING!! Flight to Heaven... I fear if I don't read it soon I will never hear the end of it from my sister and now my friend Ruthie, who also read it and called me first thing this morning!

 

I still have to learn the Garmin Sport watches Curt got, one for me and one for him ( I am the author of those kinds of gifts!) and start really using it to its full capabilities, which is does more than I fear I will ever need!

 

And did I tell you we are also reliving the past, those tender, beautiful days when the kids were little and oh so funny and cute!!! Curt got this other contraption that allows him to digitalize the old home movies so they can download right into the computer!!! We watch as it works, and we laugh and wonder where did time fly to so fast?

 

Have had company and still will this weekend... Christine's birth Mom and her husband, who would love nothing more than to also be Christine's Dad... so sweet a relationship!

 

So you see, I have been torn in so many different directions that my ADD has flared up to critical levels, if there is such a thing, and I seem to not be able to concentrate on one single thing! It's a happy kind of crisis, don't worry!!

 

It's back to work tonight, and I now I understand what I swore I would never do... be one of those nurses that seems to not be able to put down their cells at work! I promised myself I would not go there, I would be the faithful nurse, at the patient's beck and call, ready for action and not perturbed by the interruption to my  Word with Friends game on cell. I appalled myself by asking our quite techy secretary to show me her favorite apps... next thing you know, I was mesmerized by the different things that can happen inside that 2 x 3 inch screen!! Yes, I just measured it! LOL!

 

Now, back to family and life without toys, all, thank God, is well with everyone now.

 

Chris had his 4 wisdom teeth pulled last Friday, so he was in discomfort and in pain too. It was nice for all of us to slow down with him, and just nest at home, all close together. His girlfriend Ellen flew back from her Grandfather's funeral and stayed with him for a day... best medicine he could have had! He is back to school today, being his last narcotic dose was over 24 hours ago, armed with his Motrin in pocket. Mommy did his laundry yesterday as a treat to his "incapacitated state". Actually, Mommy detests seeing cold, wrinkled clothes left in dryer when he does his own laundry, so she needs to learn to not see them... and walk away. Mommy has many lessons yet to learn about parenting... and UNparenting!

 

Christine is looking as beautiful as ever, losing weight and dreaming of her upcoming wedding in October of 2012... the Princess will marry in a Castle! Castle Ladyhawke in North Carolina! Beautiful wedding venue!!! Mommy needs to learn to ask for overtime again...

 

Curt has been quite the busy techy guy, as he helps me learn my toys, synch this device to that device, try to teach me as my mind wanders faster than I can pull it back, and remains calm and loving in spite of my wackiness, much more lately I would confess.

 

To add to all the stuff I have yet to learn, we also switched cable companies to ATT U VERSE... ohhhh, it does so much more!! Salesman at ATT talked us into it, actually, talked Curt into it.. I was totally absorbed with my new toy, the iphone, and just HAD to make my first call right away, to my sister! The cable was switched and I barely know how to turn the TV on now!! Yes, much to learn!

 

In the meantime, housework doesn't wait for me to be done playing, or learning, or just OVER my excitement. The dust just keeps settling, waiting, accumulating...

I am torn between what I NEED to do and what I WANT to do!

 

Today I figured I needed to let you know that, yes, I am still alive and well, yes, I did get your lovely letters and best wishes and love and hugs and kissess... and my arms are so loaded up with so much love and gadget and I feel the need to set it all down (just for a few!) and  thank all of you for a most divine birthday, but most importantly, for making me feel so validated!

 

The calls from friends, so full of family news and love, unexpected friends popping in, the cards, the Facebook wishes that seemed to never stop... to say I felt so undeserving of such attentions would be an understatement, but to say LOVE OVERTOOK ME would be also!

 

THANK YOU for making it so very special.. and for making 60 look not so bad after all!!!!!!

 

Hoping life is not just good, but VERY GOOD for you as well!!! ABUNDANTLY GOOD!!!

 

Lots of hugs and kisses and thank you's your way!!

 

Toni

Memory Day Weekend

Tuesday morning, seeming like a Monday... we celebrated Labor Day this weekend and I am thrilled to report, I did NO LABOR! Was off and, because the house had been cleaned earlier and in stages ( a method I should try more often!) I could actually say I enjoyed the house! Today, I feel I want to continue on a holiday, but there is definietely dusting to be done and bathrooms to be cleaned today... then, back to work tonight for 3 nights in a row.

Christine went down to South Florida with her fiance (have to get used to that word and that new state she is in!) to celebrate her future mother in law's birthday, which was the weekend before. Marie was house and petsitting for a lady at the bank where she works at, so she would also be gone for the weekend.

Christopher took full advantage of the extra time and quiet and room available, so he finished all his homework in an orderly fashion ( a strategy I hope he makes habit) and brought his Ellen home for the long weekend.

They had created a list of things to do and places to go and I think watching The Office took precedence. He so wanted Ellen to catch up on the series as we had watched it as a family here and roared laughing with it. We couldn't watch a new episode unless the whole family was together. I insisted on getting the series on DVD as to not waste a precious minute waiting for the taped recordings to show up. Curt and I had pulled marathon evenings and weekends watching everything, including all the bloopers, deleted scenes and anything that was on those disks. Now Ellen had to catch up with the rest of us, before the new season started soon.

I worked Friday night so I was requested to bring bagels from Panera's on Saturday morning. A quick stop to Kohl's first yielded a terrific buy on athletic shorts. After Curt and I enjoyed the bagels, and the house remained quiet with sleep still, we took off for a much needed long walk... 6 miles! We tried to find the home where Maggie will be moving into this week but couldn't find the home with the bunch of "1" 's I remembered reading in her text.

Wide awake and invigorated from the walk, I invited Curt to go shopping at Costco with me. Silliness was settling in and I was finding too many things funny, but shopped we did! Curt was going to make his famous (because we said so) Goulash so now an extra stop at Publix was added for V8 juice and other things I didn't need in bulk. Time had come to crash and I could hardly find the energy to get myself ready for bed. Down by almost 1... up by 6. I was ready for the weekend!

I woke up to the yummy, hearty homey smell of his goulash, but did not detect sweet, chocolatey smells mixed in.  We tried to bait Ellen to make Chocolate Chip cookies, but she didn't bite... good for us.
She was busy laughing, watching something, probably Band of Brothers or a Dream Theater recording... and it made me remember the many things we do with our loved one before we marry them, and secretly vowed I would them, some, again. It was sweet to watch!

We broke out the box of old home movies of the kids we had found the weekend before and I secretly made myself a note to somehow go over ALL of them someday, finally putting labels to them. Life moved at such a frantic pace back then, many tapes were found unlabeled, not rewound, never watched again after filming... more life was piled on top of life. Now I was very grateful for time slowing some... or was I making the time? Not sure.

Holding my breath last weekend, when we first opened the box and I wasn't sure if anything would be left worth watching, I saw my life on the big screen projected, full of color and crispness, and my kids were moving fast and laughing and mostly fighting... and I wanted to cry of happiness! They were safe!!

My memories were safe! I had pictured myself in old age, with too much time on my hands and not enough memory to remember it all, now, finally, enjoying life a second time around, taking in every detail, enjoying every funny, reliving the booboos, the singing, the living, the disciplining and learning, all of us learning. And there it was... I should have cried but didn't... it was bigger than that.

I don't know how everyone else saw this, but I was transported to those days in milliseconds flat.
I saw my handsome young husband, playing out the role of awesome daddy to those little ones, I saw myself looking pretty spiffy too, and talking like a mommy that, for the most part, truly enjoyed mommying. I was surprised to see the many fun things we did around the house, the laughing, painting, swimming, dancing, lots of dancing and singing... and I subconsciously forgave myself for thinking I was pretty rough on those kids, or too tired, too cranky, not taking enough time.
 I had to remember I was working full time and lots of overtime back then too, with a house to clean, and lots of laundry to wash, groceries to shop and later cook, and the many memories I needed to make... and there they were... I had recorded this for myself, so I wouldn't continue feeling so badly about the mothering I did or failed to do...

I saw clean kids, at least when in my care! I saw pretty dirty, happy kids who helped daddy in the yard when I was off at work... and I saw a daddy that recorded many moments for mommy to enjoy and not feel left out. I saw magic in Christmas and in birthdays, and a real hard trying to make it all look so perfect and storytaleish... I heard classical music as my daughter balleted, Christmas music as gifts were opened... and that oh so magical, delicate, fantastic moment when Christmas morning wakes them up to discover a world transformed before their very eyes! I was up early to catch it! We were down late to create it the night before. And there it was... my heart caught in my chest. Did they see it the same way I did? Many times I watched Curt's face, his eyes, as the kids jumped on his back, got twirled by him, asked him the many many questions, and I saw that look too. Sweet.

The cruise when we left the kids behind for the first time, courtesy of Heri and Nana, as they went out of their way to make it happen for us, even flying Mami and Edna to Florida to care for the kids. There it was. I thought the kids were much smaller, but Christopher was 6! What was I thinking? I thought they were still babies! I thought I was so selfish for leaving them behind! The laughter and good times on the cruise with David, Raquel and Becky, along with Heri and Nana... precious! They all looked so good! Becky was still in her awkward stage, basketballs meant more to her than dresses... and I got to see life as she viewed it... I had forgotten I had given her the camcorder... and I don't think I ever saw the taping she did... and how she saw it then. The anchor coming up was fascinating to her, and spanning quickly to take the whole scene in made me dizzy. Raquel was looking stunning in her formal attire, her dangling earrings and her elegant updo.. I had forgotten she had the glow of love all over her, and she was missing Scott, and expensively calling him, too! David was very proper, on the quiet side, a college student, and I was not sure how much he was really enjoying all this... later on I was to realize how much it all meant to him, all of us together, and us getting to know this fine young man finally.  Nana and Heri showed up later at the dinner, both looking so young, happy and beautiful!! I couldn't get over how absolutely BEAUTIFUL Nana looked that night! I kept the recorder on her a lot, much to her discomfort, I am sure. Curt was looking so delicious and handsome... and I have no idea how I looked or what I wore, all I heard was my laughter.

I am still deeply grateful for that incredible gift and sacrifice from Heri and Nana... giving us our second honeymoon, and a much needed time away from kids. They could see what we couldn't. And they made it happen!
The Cucaracha Bagel ended that tape and we roared as we watched it again and shared it with Ellen and Christopher... and I couldn't help thinking how cruel the joke was for Nana, and if she ever completely forgave us.

I saw Mami come to life, young and with eyes full of mischief, dodging the camera, as usual. I saw her tackle Christine's very long hair and dye it, tpo please Christine, all of us hoping daddy wouldn't notice it that night. She was making memories.

I saw Dad and Sue laughing so hard as they tried to read my very personal birthday card to Curt out loud... I saw him take his time, ignore the noise and chaos all around him of little ones demanding attention and getting into things, and just live that moment intensely... and I saw Christine's eyes water up as she saw him again on screen, and she left the room.

No cooking, leftover Goulash, many hours sitting watching life rehappen, enjoying the warmth in my heart and the delight in my eyes... what a gift I was given this weekend!

Now the laundry rears its ugly head, the washer decides to act up and not spin, it is back to work tonight and the dust is showing on the furniture. I really need to vacuum and it would be nice to throw something together in the kitchen... but what I saw this weekend was a house that sometimes was full of toys and clutter, sometimes nicely picked up,  a floor that sometimes looked dusty and sometimes sparkled, a kitchen with and without a full sink, bedrooms with toys neatly put away sometimes and explosions in and around and even under beds... I saw life... the good, the bad and not too much ugly... not too much bad either... it was good, it was REALLY GOOD!!

And life is good now, too!  Dishes, dust and all... it is REALLY GOOD!!
May I never find myself so close to life...  as to miss it.

Freedom... Do I really want it???

Jesus,

We all want to be free! We all want to know why we were put here on this piece of earth, at THIS time, in this place, in this family, in this corner of Your universe.

Try as we might to decipher it all, we just sadly realize, we weren't given all the pieces of the puzzle!

Try as we might, we are horrified to realize...we really don't KNOW ourselves, not really!

How can I be "my own person", "unique and gifted", "nobody like me", when I haven't fully known this person called 'me'.

How can I "branch out", "stretch forth", "spread wings", "step out", "fly!"- when I don't know who I really am?

Fears and insecurities, words said at wrong times, wrong words said at most times, have crippled us into not even seeking for the essence of who we truly are. How 'valuable' can we be if we've been put down too much, criticized, analyzed, ridiculed, made the fool, been blocked and framed and cinched and maimed...
and there's hardly any 'me' left?

WHEN does this 'me' become the beautiful butterfly finally, breaking off and breaking skies, far away from limitations, and rules, and weights and anchors- within and without?

When do we begin to feel 'weightless' and 'carefree' and so 'light' we can feel the sky?

When do we fill our lungs with breaths of freedom that really fill to the very edges of our being?

When do our feet lose grasp of this little spot on Earth, and chains come off and gravity relinquish its hold on us?

When do we FEEL free?
When do we BECOME free?
When do we know, FULLY KNOW, what being FREE really is?

Is is a state of mind?
A state of soul?

Is it within, or without; inside or out?

Is it just for us to see, feel and breathe in it? Or, can others also know, and see it too?

Is it a state of total body wellness, mind and body coming together as freinds, a mysterious union and acceptance of each other, allowing each to grow and flow, and glow and, and, and... and what?

What else is it?

WHAT do you DO when you are a totally FREE being?
Or... DO you DO... at all???

Is it, perhaps, a state of NOT DOING?
Could it possibly be, instead, a state of intense enjoyment in just... BEING???
A state wherein we are able to say, as He said, " I AM"... and nothing more is needed?
"As He is, so are we" ... are we???
No more conditions.
No more restrictions.
No more ands, ifs, or buts.
No more guilt and heaviness and wetter than wet wings.
Could we possibly believe what He said about us was REALLY TRUE, and we cease to question it ever again?

No more weights on my feet
or lead on my heart?
No more dark cloud in my mind
and deep aches in my soul?
No more... anything???

DID HE REALLY MEAN THAT? About me? US?

Then, What does FREEDOM feel like?
What is it... really?

What does it look like?
What does it feel like?
What does it make me feel?
What does it smell like; taste like?

Will I know IT is there?

How does IT let ITSELF be 'taken' into me?
DO I take it by force?
Or, do I enter INTO IT?
If so, what is the magical doorway?
 Will I easily miss it?

Will I see It, want It, run to It?
Is IT'S only 'requirement' (for lack of a better word)
my 'wanting It" so badly?
Or, is there MORE I need to DO?
Is DOING involved at all?
Is it given to me upon request?
Must I know IT to have IT? First?

Questions, questions, questions...
... it does not make my heart feel settled and light...
or, could this possibly be the first step toward IT?

Is there a 'cost' to pay?
Or is it free?
Or does it cost ALL I have?

How FREE is BEING FREE???

First Blog ever!! Does it even get spelled with a Capital "B"? Not sure, BUT, because it's pretty special... I will give myself the freedom alloted writers and poets, or is it just poets??

Time to get ready for work, but I really want to start this today, tell about my walking experience this morning. We'll start simple, not working the mind too much or much less the pondering button in my head.

Took a lot of work to get me out the house this morning! Haven't walked in almost two weeks... if you don't count the hiking done in North Carolina, or all the walking done at work, up and down the hallway in CVICU. Had to talk to myself as if I really was two people - the lazy one inside, who just knew it was too hot to walk already, being it was 82 degrees at 8 am, and the motivated, outwardly one who had just stepped on scale and discovered the extra pound and a half already, and could tally up all the forbidden foods she had eaten over this memorable long weekend. The explosion on the scale was soon to come!

Getting dressed real fast made the inside one get quiet, stepping out the door armed with the GPS for mileage and time, disarmed her entirely. Ahh... it was good to walk again!

Took the back way, as I call it, and when I arrived at the supermarket, headed down the newly "discovered" extra 3.2 mile street alongside it. Tried to keep the 4 mile/hr pace, tried to stay focused praying for my family, kept wandering inside to the past weekend, back to prayer, back to feeling happy and grateful, back to praying, while trying to focus on my surroundings as well.

A Utility truck at the very end of Williamsburg Road made me uneasy to walk past it just to touch the fence Curt and I touch as we turn right around and head home as fast as we can.  The forest runs alongside of it, where we saw, or rather Curt saw, the deer coming out of the forest first time we walked this road.

No big deal, I thought, I'll just take a left down this block and see if it loops back to the main road, if not, I'll turn it right around and add some mileage to my first walk back.

 Walking, I thought of the "detour" taken and wondered of the ones He places before us to cause us to walk on the right path. I wondered if I would be made aware of why the detour, or, if as most of my detours, I just have to KNOW it was the road to take but don't end up really knowing "why". As I  stirred this thought around and around in my head, my mouth flew open when I saw two Sandhill Cranes ( they usually come in twos, you know, lifetime partners!) standing so pretty and proud in the yard to my left! They saw me and I kept the pace and wondered if I would cause them to fly out, run, be scared... but I began to talk softly to them and lo and behold, they stood tall and proud, eyed me all the way, and stood their ground... then I wondered if they were known to attack... silly me, they look too proper and regal for that kind of behavior. As I marvelled that I now knew why the "detour", a turkey stood just a few feet away, in the same yard, also eyeing me sideways, but right alongside the house was his "partner" and then another one! Five big birds standing as ornaments in this lady's front yard! I exhaled one big long " You are amaaaaaaazing!!!" as I passed them, and quickly anticipated another surprise... greedy that I am! Got to the end of the street and turned left, onto Scenic Drive... SURELY I would find a lake, maybe a swan or an alligator, something truly scenic! Another story!

Nothing.. can't even remember a single detail of any of the houses passed... I chuckled at the name of the street and how deceiving I found it. By this time another mile had been tagged onto my original intended distance. Street ahead had diamond shaped DEAD END sign before I even got to it... and wasted my precious time on it. Quick turn to the left revealed another such sign and road... and I marveled at how easy it was to follow the right path with all the clear cut signs along the way. Then the ponderings started... and I wondered if God also made it so clear to me as I walked through life, or did I ignore the signs, not see them, or was intended to walk all the way for whatever reason or lesson... Was His Word a light onto my path, even as I walked the dead end streets? Yes, He never leaves me, was my next thought. But the satisfaction of knowing I was on the right path made my life seem so simple, so easy, uncomplicated... was this the way life was meant to be as long as I was on the right path?

I marvelled at the strength of the frail, more than slightly bent old lady walking her small brownie dog. Upon spotting me, Brownie  jerked around and pulled so hard at his leash I pictured me rescuing her off the sidewalk while being nipped by her dog! I noticed the leash wrapped several times around her wrist then, and she had been able to stand as straight as she could,as she smiled and saaid, " He's just saying 'Good Morning to you!'" I said good morning back and laughed.

There were the two older ladies chatting with their little dogs at their sides, and when the Chihuahua saw me, he started to spin like a top, or a maddened ballerina, round and round he went, so many times, I just had to laugh out loud... the look on the other lady's face was precious as she wondered what had made that dog so crazy. Had to be there!

Close to home and with five miles already under my belt and the heat intensified, I was tempted to cut through the Baptist church parking lot, but I wondered if there was also a lesson in keeping to the "straight and narrow", no deviations, no shortcuts, I might miss something... so I looked closely, all around me, then wondered if the lesson was simply that, to be disciplined and thorough, to complete the task... and I giggled at my wanting to see instant reward for "good behavior".

Nearer still, passed the Guest House now, I looked up and it was then that I noticed the many squiggly swirly wispy curvy clouds, all across the sky, as when a plane writer writes JESUS LOVES YOU in the sky, which seems to happen quite often around here. There was no plane in sight, and the "words" seem too scattered apart, as if he had written it all across the sky, from one end to the other, and the barely visible breezes had spread the words and streeeetched them... but I saw it... JESUS LOVES ME...written just for me, and seen by my heart's eyes. Wow!! I saw it! My eyes had been open!

What a beautiful way to start walking, and seeing, and feeling!!! Not bad for a Monday Morning!